Dry Spell:

So August of this year I started my freshman year of college, which was a great experience and has been a lot of fun. However, while its been awesome to experience a new social setting along with a whole different educational system as well. The one thing that has been really rough is that I have not been able to wear in a very very long time. One of the most challenging thing about moving into college has been that I live in a tiny dorm room with a roommate. Now for pretty much everything but diapers, its been great because my roommate and I were friends long before we came here so there was no awkward period in time between us.

Its been hard because since we are such good friend and have known each other for so long, we kinda just share everything. Doesn't bother me except for the fact that I can't really hide things all that effectively due to us really having no personal space. Its something that I have been working on casually establishing so that I can in the future, comfortably hide some diapers without the worries of my roommate stumbling upon them while looking for a bandana or something to borrow.


I have never been someone to wear like every single night or anything, mostly because ive never lived in a situation that would really be possible to do that. So I have developed a pretty good tolerance to not being able to wear, but after a certain point it just becomes painful. At the time of writing this blog it has been roughly 12 weeks since I have had the comfort of strapping on the warm cushie material that composes a diaper. Now while this is bothering me, I have hopes in my sights because in the next week or some I will be finally getting to meet up with my daddy again and enjoy wearing diapers for the first time in a long time.


Its strange because my situation has flip-flopped now that I have moved out of my house and into a dorm. When I was living at home still, it was possible to get and hide diapers, and then wear them at night in the privacy of my room. But when I was at home, I wasn't able to order any real diapers online because my parents have a nasty habit of "accidentally" opening my mail. Now things have flip flopped and I can order whatever I want because I have a P.O. box here at school and no one but I have access to it. But, I don't have any privacy to wear diapers at all unless the roommate is gone, which is rare.

Always an uphill battle I guess! But one worth fighting if you ask me!

Binge and Purge:

Defining the Binge and Purge:

Now for many young ABDL's they are faced with these strange new feelings about wearing and enjoying diapers, and they are confusing. Now everyone responds to these new feelings differently, and largely because I think they spring up at different times for different people. A common problem that these young people (and older people as well, just more common in young ABDL) have is that while they have these new feelings, they feel like there is something wrong with them. The desire to wear a diaper and possibly even use a diaper is something that has been ingrained in our heads as something for small children, not young adults. The problem with being a ABDL is that you have to fight those years and years of cultural stigma telling you that wearing diapers is strictly for babies, and often times you are doing this all alone.

Now often peoples response to these new and strange feelings are to dive right in and get super involved with their fetish. Buying diapers, pacifiers  bottles, and more. Once they have all these things they will wear them and start to really enjoy and use them. Eventually though the thoughts cross your mind that what you are doing is socially unacceptable, and that you need to distance yourself from these items and feelings. They will throw everything away, distance themselves from others they may have met in the community and try to push these desires from their minds.

This is the Binge and Purge cycle that far to often plagues the ABDL community members.

My Personal Battle with Binge and Purge:

Now for anyone that has read my Introduction post on my blog then you know that my journey with diapers has not been an easy one. I have struggled with my diaper feelings just as described above and some would even say that I may be worse. Now from the age that I discovered my feelings for diapers and being an adult baby, I would go through almost a very predictable cycle. I would be really into my diapers and want to start a collection of toddler things for me to play with in the privacy of my room at night. About 3-6 weeks after that I would have strong feelings of guilt and regret. I would usually in a fury of regret gather up my diapers, pacifiers, and bottle and throw them in the trash. I would disconnect from everyone that I was speaking to online and try to just focus on other things.

Now where I struggled with this was to come to the understanding that my passion for being an Adult Baby was something that I will never be able to shake. I may be able to push them to the back of my mind and only think about them eventually but it would always rise back up. My problem is that since I was always repressing my diaper side, when I would release it, it would take over my life for the time. I would be so consumed that I would spend all day, everyday online looking up diapers and checking my diaper site profiles. I wanted so bad to be able to enjoy my diaper side. The secret that I have come to realize, so that I am not afflicted by a Binge and Purge cycle again is to take it all in small amounts.

Anyways, my point being is that if you are struggling with Binge and Purge then I would say find someone in the community that you enjoy talking to. Try to build a relationship with them, if you trust them, then ask them to help you by just talking you through those feelings of guilt. Having that reassuring voice to tell you that you are not alone and that enjoying wearing diapers is okay.

Topics for blog:

Suggestions Please:

Alright so I am at a shortage of things that come to mind right now to write about so I would love to get feedback from my readers. I would love to get ideas for posts on the blog from you guys. So if you are interested in helping me out then write me at the following E-mail Address:

Toddlerboicharlie@yahoo.com

They can really be anything, and I will try to write a post for every suggestion that is sent to me. Whether you want me to tell something about myself or how I feel about something then ill answer it!

I await your suggestions!!

Intelligent & Reasonable Conversation (Rant):

So for this post I have a bit of something to rant about. I want to start it off by saying that I have no-ill feelings towards the general ABDL community and that I understand that the majority of the people within it are very intelligent and reasonable people. There are two things that people do in the community that drive me absolutely insane.

Coherent Messages:

So one thing that I have seemed to notice over the several years that I have been in the ABDL community and actively meeting/chatting with people online is that there are quite a few people out there who cannot put together a sentence for their lives. Now I am no grammatical god, and makes mistakes all the time. Hell if you go through any one of my posts I am sure that you would find at least 10 mistakes that I made when it comes to grammar. Small grammatical errors are not what bothers me, its the people who write you a message and you have to read it three times over just to start to try to understand what they were saying. Messages that come to me that are like the following drive me insane, and know that this is just an example that I have made up:

"I enjoy diaper sometime i really wish that could wear more often diapers are have been somehing that i have into sine i was like 10"

I honestly get messages like that and there is no punctuation in the least. Now in the case that I am talking to someone that is from another country, I can totally let it slide. I understand that its not their native tongue and so that makes sense to me. However, those people that were born and raised in the United States and are over the age of 12, I expect to be able to throw a period into the mix every once in awhile. I really enjoy chatting and getting to know people but it shouldn't be a task to try to figure out what you are saying everything we exchange a message.

Messages with No Depth:

I will admit that I often will write back lengthy messages to people and that they may even sometimes be too long. But on the other end of that, I try to never write back a message to someone that has written me a lengthy message with a response like "yeah, I like them too". The problem I have with this is that it kills the conversation, people want to keep talking but effectively kill the conversation by not responding with anything of depth. Sending a message like that is sending back a response to a text message that only says "lol", it kills the conversation right there. I am just asking that if you really want to chat with me...well then you give me a response so that we can keep chatting. If I wanted to basically talk to myself...well then I would just talk to myself.

"Call Me or Text Me":

I have admitted in previous post that I am a pretty cautious guy when it comes to this whole community because I have a fear of being caught again (I would like to say rightfully so, due to my last bad experience). So I don't hand out my phone number like I am a marketing rep at a sales event. Now I will also admit that there are some people that I do contact via my personal phone number and they have earned my trust over...TIME. That's the key word for me there, I never give my number to someone that I don't feel like I would be comfortable meeting in person.  There are a lot of people in this community who will send this message:

"Hey,

Like your profile. Call Me - (XXX) - XXX - XXXX

~Example"

Sorry, but I am not comfortable handing out my number to someone who doesn't even bother to introduce their self to me, let alone get to know me. Ive heard many a story of being being way to trusting and handing their number out to people only to find out that the person will call and text them endlessly even if they tell them they are not interested in talking.

Conclusion:

So in conclusion I wanted to say this, I may be being a bit of an asshole but if you really are a good person and want to talk to me then please take the time to make it so I feel like I am talking to an adult and not a 4 year old. Its one thing to have a baby side that you enjoy taking part in and its another thing to come off as just plain stupid! Rant finished....

My First Experience:

So this post I decided would be necessary for parts of the next post that I plan to work on to really work out and makes sense to anyone that gets bored and takes the time to read my blog. I wanted to let everyone in on my first experience with another ABDL. Now if you read my first post, the one about the introductions and that tells of pretty much how and why I am the way I am today, then you know that I am very cautious and some many say even borderline overly paranoid about meeting up with others and getting too close when it comes to ABDL relationships. However, when I was 17 at one point I finally mustered up some courage and took a step in experiencing what its like to really be a AB (or TB) at the time. 

For the sake of this story and not having asked for consent of my friend to use his name in this story, my friend will be known as Scott. Scott was a fellow ABLD/Big Bro type that lived very close to me and also happened to be my same age. Over the years we have talked several times and as I came and went with my binge and purge cycles I would usually reconnect with him hoping that one day I would finally be brave enough to actually meet up with him. Well the summer of 2011, I in fact did get that courage together. After having texted, e-mailed, and chatted back and forth for quite some time, Scott and I decided that we should meet up at a mutual public location and talk to each other about the possibility of hanging out sometime, diapers included. Like any overly cautious, and borderline paranoid person would do I had to make sure that the location was public and so we met at a local shopping center that was always chaulk full of people going about their business. When that day finally came that we were meeting I was losing my mind, I had just gotten off of work and so I was tired already but so excited to finally really meet Scott face to face for the first time. So I drove to the shopping center and waited in my car for a minute, completing those last steps of mental preparation that I needed for myself. I texted Scott and then when we were both their we met outside of the starbucks. Neither of us were all that interested in actually getting coffee so we talked causally for a few minutes and then decided to find somewhere more private to talk so that we could discuss freely about diapers, teen babies, and just all around being part of the ABDL community. The rest of this part of the story is really nothing exciting, we talked and then concluded that at the first opportunity that we were both comfortable with we would have a "play date".

We jump forward a week or two and the opportunity arose. My family was going to be going out of town for an entire week and a half to the beach but I couldn't/didn't want to go because of work. So once everything was in the all clear I got in contact with Scott and we arranged to hangout that coming Thursday night. Like any reckless teenager, I saw the opportunity and grabbed it by the horns. My mom had left me $60 for food and I decided to re-purpose this money for something I saw to be a lot  more exciting. So after a few days of just talking back and forth and getting even more excited, Thursday finally was up upon us. That day after I got off work, Scott and I met up at a local grocery store so that supplies for our play date could be collected. Now I have to admit that I kinda pussed out right here, I was so nervous/excited that I couldn't get myself to go in and buy the supplies myself. Scott was a much more experienced individual in this department. So I handed him the money and he went in and got everything that he saw fit for that night. Now I knew that he was not going to wear with me that night because a lot of his interests at the time laid with being a big brother figure opposed to actually being diapered. Scott emerged from the store, bags in hand teaming with all sorts of goodies that were making my heart beat faster and faster without even having seen them yet. We loaded the spoils into the car and Scott followed me in his car the short distance down the road to my house. Upon arrival we collected our things and headed into the house, going directly up to my room.

Once we got to my room, we started to talk about exactly what we wanted to do that night and what scenario we wanted to play out. Scott suggested a very fun scene that had me as his pre-teen younger brother who was having trouble keeping my pants dry and mess free, thus resulting in my big brother (being Scott) putting me back into diapers and treating me as a baby for punishment. This sounded like a blast to me but I also was not going to be picky either. From there, we started things off and started to role play. I was told that I had been a bad boy and was acting like a baby by wetting my pants all the time. Scott then stripped me down and put me over his knee and started my punishment out with a good solid spanking and corner time. This was new to me and something that I had never really thought about before. Scott was a big proponent of spanking and I was willing to try it out. In the end it was a little much for my first experience but has actually influenced me to love spankings now today. After my bottom was nice and cherry red, Scott hoistened me up onto the changing table (my dresser with everything cleared off the top and some towels laid down and slipped on my first diaper for the night. We were using goodnites with baby diapers as stuffers, was not a good way to get a real diaper and I am a pretty slender kid so if its not a size small, then it would have been wearing the baggy jean equivalent of diapers. I couldn't help put have a large boner when Scott went to diaper me which was pretty embarrassing  I tried to half heartedly apologize but Scott was unphased. He had diapered up a few boys before me and knew what to expect from this. After I calmed down a bit my diapers were hoisted up and I was led upstairs by the hand with a pacifier in my mouth, wearing nothing but a diaper, a t-shirt, and some socks. 

I was already having the time of my life and things were only getting started. I was instructed by big bro that I was to use my diaper, there would be no more potty for little baby boys like me. I immediently started to fit into my role and started to whine about not being able to use the potty until the threat of another spanking was put into play and I peed my diaper on the spot for the first time. The feeling of warm urine soaking into a diaper was not a new one to me but doing it in front of another person was, it was strange. I at first had a wave of embarrassment go through my body until I remembered that for once, he was like me. He understood the comfort and fun that can come from really enjoying a diaper. This new and foreign feeling of acceptance started to wash over me. This is what I had been desiring to finally have in my life for 5 years at the time. Big brother was not going to miss a beat and put me into the pack n' play that I had set up earlier with a teddy bear and a pacifier. He turned on the TV and sat on the coach for a moment while I played and enjoyed my diaper. I had continued to wet it, and anyone that has ever worn and used a goodnite knows that they can take about one good wetting before they are really in need of a change. Well I was somehow stretching that rule and had wet it twice by the time I was done playing in the pack n' play, so far the leaks seemed to be little to none. Big brother decided that it was time for me to have a bottle and so he got one prepared while I was in the pack and play and came back up stairs. He collected me from my playing and had me sit on his knee and bounced me up and down while I was instructed to drink down the whole bottle. I knew that if I didn't listen that my already sore bum would end up being cherry red and hot like the sun. I followed the instructions and downed the bottle thinking that I had done good. Big brother decided after the first bottle that a baby boy of my size needed another in order to be properly hydrated. He prepared another while I waited on the coach in my soaked goodnite that was already at about to burst at the seems. Once he returned, we went back to the same situation as before, me drinking a bottle while I was bounced on his knee. I got caught up in what I was doing and decided to let out another small pee into my diaper forgetting that it was already soaked. Without skipping a beat, I peed and the diaper leaked getting a small but growing spot on my brothers pant leg. 

I figure at this point that I was in trouble but big brother simply had me finish the bottle and then set me up at a kiddy desk to color while he got cleaned up. He seemed unphased by the whole thing, which to me was a spectacular event. Once he arrived back, I saw told to stand up and listen to him. He slipped my paci into my mouth and I started to suck away at it, enjoying every last moment of that soft pacifier nipple in my mouth. I was told that I am expected to poop in my diapers. Big brother put me into a corner facing the wall and told me that I could not move until I pooped. I tried and tried but with no luck so big brother decided it was time for a little encouragement. He came up behind me and gave me about 5 very solid swats to the already sore bum and then I was motivated. I finally pushed put a little poop into my diaper and told big brother. He told me that he was proud and that it was about time to get my little diaper but into a fresh diaper. He walked me down stairs patting my diapered butt as we went, squishing my wet and messy diaper up against my skin. Ny the time we had gotten back to my room, I had a small stream of pee running down my leg and poop smothered on my bottom.

Big brother changed me diaper and then I again had a problem with being excited. This time I decided that I needed to handle it so I took some time to myself to rub one out. This was the biggest mistake I could make at the time because I had in no way gotten a hold on my feelings of guilt that usually would occur after a orgasm. I came and then the guilt washed over my like a tsunami, all I could think was that I was doing something wrong and had to stop. That I was being a freak and that if I continued this it would ruin my life and everyone would think I was some kind of crazy person. The remainder of the story consists of me for the most part just being a giant asshole. I ended up, ending our play date and we went our separate ways. I to this day still feel terrible about this. I have apologized to Scott and we still maintain contact today.

So that's the story of my first real diaper play/age play experience.

On a additional note, I am not sure if "Scott" will ever read this but I just wanted to add a Thank You in here. Seriously, "Scott" you helped me a lot on that night and really helped me realize that I could enjoy this side of my life. I wasn't in the place that I am today with accepting myself so thats why I had a freak out but none the less you really helped me become the person I am today and opened my eyes to the reality of finally getting to experience my TB/AB side in practice.

Family

*Disclaimer - I am part of TrueDaddyBrian's family and for those of you that object or for some reason don't agree with me being Brian's boy or simply have a reason not to like Daddy Brian know that this post is about the family and so you may want to skip it.*

A Family Unit and Their Impact:

So quite some time ago I was inducted into Truedaddybrian's family of diaper boys and from that moment forward things started to change for me. Daddy immediately started to discuss my diaper feelings with me and helping me understand that there is nothing wrong with liking to wear diapers and be treated like a baby. I started to slowly come to a conclusion and remove the doubt I had about wearing and using diapers. Now in the past I have had many friends in the diaper community that have helped me fight these feelings of guilt and almost depression about my diaper side but no one has really gotten through to my quite like Daddy has.  I have come to realize that Daddy has a way of speaking to me that few others have ever been able to and because of that my life has changed with every conversation that we have had.

Daddy is not the only part of the family that has had a spectacular impact on my life, but he is the reason that I have met all the other people that have as well. After meeting daddy and speaking to him for some time he started to slowly introduce me to members of his family and two of them have had a monumental impact on me in particular. The two people that I am talking about are Ethan and Keebs. These are two guys who really deep down get me. Both of them have been there for me to talk to when I have had doubts about my diaper side and have helped me reel myself back in before I ended up starting another Binge and Purge cycle. These are two people have put up with a unbelievable amount of bullshit from me when it comes to leaving and coming back several times. Trying to get rid of my feelings for diapers, and then coming crawling back hoping that I didn't burn every single bridge that I had in the community.

To really sum it up, these are some people that are very special to me. They are the three people that have helped me hold it all together and get further in accepting myself then I have ever been before in my life.

Why Diapers?

Well too anyone involved in the ABDL community, they know that people outside of it that find out often ask themselves "Why do the like diapers? What about diapers feels good to them?". Now I think that this a complicated question that changes for each and every person that enjoys wearing diapers. There is not one great answer to that, because there are so many variations of both Adult Baby and Diaper Lover. We are a group of people that are all unique from each other in some way or interest. I figured that it would be interesting to explore for myself and try to explain to others what about diapers I love.

So I am going to break down what about diapers that I love into each section and explain it to the best of my ability. This is not something that I have previously put a whole lot of deep thought into so it will be a lot of self-exploration for this post.

Security:

The first thing that pops into my head when I ask myself, "Why do you like diapers?", is the feeling of security that they make me feel. The feeling of a the soft material of a disposable diaper hugging up around my waist and staying tightly around my little boy parts and butt makes me feel like I am in a safe place. Its not the feeling of security knowing that if I pee I wont wet my pants or that I don't have to worry about going to the bathroom. Its the feeling that everything will be alright, no matter the situation. Diapers have played a strange role in my life, they are not something that I have always been able to look onto with a positive attitude or an attitude that they are a good thing for me. But, even thought they have caused me a lot of heartache and trouble I still find myself running back to them when I am stressed or feeling anxious about things going on in my life. This is because, no matter how much I don't want to admit it, diapers make me feel safe.

Stress Free:

I will be the first to admit that I live a life riddled with stress, and that I am just a easily stressed out person. Now because I know this about myself, I have gotten very good at handling monumental amounts of stress all at once without faltering. Nevertheless, everyone has to deal with their stress eventually and somehow. Now everyone's methods for stress relief are different and so diapers/being an adult baby is mine. Now I was once told by a therapist that diapers being a stress relieving is not a damaging method but a unhealthy one. For a long time those words really stuck with me and drove me to try and cleanse myself of my desire for diapers. However, since time has passed I have come to realize that, that therapist was simply wrong. Diapers are not unhealthy way of managing stress, is it a typical method of relieving stress? No, and I understand that, that is why I do my best to keep this part of my life discrete and way from friends and family. When I put on a diaper whether it be a goodnite or cushie, I can literally just feel the stress melting away from my body. Simply being in a diaper for a hour or two, even if I don't get to regress or use it, makes me feel like a whole new person. I feel like I can take on the world after ive taken some time for myself to relieve stress by wearing a diaper.

Regression:

Now this reason for wearing a diaper is a lot less of a deep introspective based reason. Ive made it pretty clear that I am an Adult Baby and with that I like to regress to around the age of 2-3 for the most part. Well part of the whole regression to that age is diapers. For me when I have on a diaper it just instantly makes me feel little. Having a diaper on and trying to get into the head space of regression to a toddler are pretty much dependent on each other. I would have a hard time regressing if I was not padded up. Diapers for regression are usually something that will lead into a further regression and desire to act/be treated like the little toddler inside of me. The warm feeling of a wet diaper around my waist makes me have the urge to get my hands on a pacifier or a bottle and a plushie.

Introductions, They are Always Important

The Preface to it all:

So I want to start off this blog with a disclaimer/really honest moment for everyone.  In the past I have had a blog or two that I have really enjoyed writing, but I have made the mistake of setting expectations for myself and the blog way to high. So this time around I want to strictly say that I will post when I can and post really honestly.


To start out I would like to explain the title of this blog and introduce myself. For the purposes of this blog and in the diaper community, I am known as Charlie or Charlie Smith. I am in fact using a pen name and will continue to use this name.  The name of this blog comes from the fact that I have started college this fall and it has changed the diaper part of my life for sure. Now that I am stuck in a dorm room with a roommate it has made it so that it is almost impossible for me to wear at school for the time. However, I will be trying to find a good balance for this part of my life during college.

My Story:

So, I suppose that part of introductions is also telling your story, explaining how I got to where I am today.  To start I want to point out that I am the majority an Adult Baby, and while I have some Diaper Lover qualities, I am mostly involved in the AB side of things. Like many Adult Babies, my journey started with the fact that I was bed wetter from the time that I was potty trained to the time that I was around ten or eleven. Once I was around seven years old, my parents got sick of having to wash the sheets to my bed every morning along with the fact that I never got a good nights sleep due to the fact that I would toss and turn all night in a pee soaked bed. Its funny looking back on it now because when my parents initially told me that I was going to try "bed wetting underwear", I freaked out and said no. From that point though I wore them at night and hide them from siblings, friends, and even my parents who bought them for me. Once I was around age ten or eleven I stopped wetting the bed and shortly after I started to realize that I had the desire to be back into diapers and that they went further then that. I wanted to not only wear the diapers but I also wanted to be treated like a baby while wearing them. The only thing that I could think was that I was strange and a freak. I of course as a child of this century went straight to the internet and searched about these feelings that I was having. I discovered that, I was what was called a "Teen Baby". Over the years from there I slowly started to get more and more involved in diapers. I would take my tighty whiteys and stuff them with paper towels to simulate a diaper. I eventually bought diapers and wore them, but all this time I would have feelings of guilt about wearing and liking diapers. I would constantly bounce back and forth over my feelings with diapers, trying to deny that I actually liked diapers.

When I was fifteen years old, I took a unfortunate turn of events in my life in which I decided to arrange a meet with a daddy that I had been talking to for a period of 6 months or so. He was a very nice guy, who genuinely cared about trying to help me understand these feelings that I had for diapers. Well we met up and things went haywire, the rest of the details of that part of the story are honestly painful and pretty traumatizing. To sum it up, it ended in having to admit to my parents that I had these desires and me going to therapy for about a 6 month period. These were easily the worst 6 months of my life, where every single day for quite some time I was trying to decide if it was worth living anymore. Diapers, and poor choices on my part ruined my life for quite some time. In the end though, I overcame this part of my life and moved on. It left me with a lot of paranoia and feelings of uncertainty about my teen/adult baby side.

I moved on from that point and over the last 4 years that succeeded this event, I have tried to gather acceptance within myself about my adult baby side. While I would be a liar if I said that I am 100% in the clear with my diaper side, I have come a long way in understanding that while not the interest of your average joe..diapers don't hurt anyone. This blog will detail my continuing journey to find acceptance withing myself and others, along with finding a way to balance diapers into my life.